Struggles

There is a funeral today. I am sure there are a lot of them on any given day, but this one is for a 17 year old boy. He committed suicide. My memories of him are as a 10, 11, and 12 year old boy. I knew him as a student in my 5th and 6th grade class. Like most of my students he will remain frozen in my memory at that age. I will remember him as the quiet little guy. I could get him to smile but quietly. Every year at the end of the school year I predict the future for the kids that are leaving my class to move on to the next grade. The kids love this. They beg for it every year. I have no idea what I wrote on this child's certificate. I do know that when I read in his obituary that he was at the technical school now and working at a part time job at the mall. It  fit with the kid I knew. He was a hard worker and would have been out there earning a way in the world. The community story is that his suicide was a result of his girlfriend breaking up with him. I don't know if that is true or not, but I know at 17 it is hard to know that things that often seem unbearable will heal with enough time.

This year of teaching has been particularly hard for me. I am bound by confidentiality not to talk about it, which has been extremely difficult. Since I live alone with my girls it weighs heavily on me not to have someone to talk to. There are the usual academic and behavioral challenges that come with any class, but this group has an emotional component that I have not had before. I have been overwhelmed by their need and their heartbreak, and that of some of their families as well. I worry for their future as much as I do for my own in this coming year that promises upheaval and change.

I struggled in writing this as I feel such a connection with anyone's pain. I can only imagine the anguish his parents must be feeling. I am constantly reminded that no matter what it might look like on the outside; we really don't know what another person might be going through. Classrooms are microcosms of the world we live in and there is so much more to each one of them than a person can tell by looking at them.