Vacation Day One

We have been through this before. It isn't anything new. I still hate it though. The hardest part of divorce with children is the time spent away from your children. The girls left today to spend the next eight days with their dad. It stinks. There really isn't any nice way to spin it. They were sad about going, and I am sad about having them go. However, there really isn't a choice to be made here. It is part of the way these things work. So I busy myself. I have a list of projects that need to be done everything from grading to income taxes. I will putter through my list and hopefully end the week with more done than I previously had. On my errands this afternoon I walked out of the library and was putting things in my car when I noticed this movie poster on the cinema across the street. I can't even tell you what the movie was but the poster was this list with boxes to check off it said:

• love
• life
• kids

pick two.

I stared at it. I thought, "Crap that's my life." One catagory shy of having it all. It was depressing. I don't want to slide into some dark depression this week. In an effort to shake myself out of a lonely mood. I took myself out for a walk this afternoon. Picked up a coffee, did some window shopping. I came to a decision. I decided to take myself on vacation this week in my own town. On my walk today I passed a gallery and a church I didn't even know existed.  So I decided I should take myself on vacation and see some sights this week. I am going to take a pictures too. Like a good tourist would. Here is the one from today's walk:

Nice night huh? Lets see what I come up with for tomorrow.

The Quote Addiction

It is altogether possible that I have a problems with my growing attachment to quotes. I like to think that it is a healthy appreciation of  language, and people who put words together well to capture some extremely powerful messages. Last night while I was wrapping birthday presents, I had the TV on. I can't even remember what the show was now as I wasn't really paying a lot of attention. At some point there came the discussion of the new movie by Matt Damon "We Bought a Zoo." Now I have been a Matt Damon fan since my graduate school days in Boston when the movie "Good Will Hunting" came out. This new movie I can connect to as well. Apparently he is playing a single dad. This just goes to show how things have changed for Matt and I from our college days in Boston (OK so he wasn't actually in college) to single parenthood. At any rate the movie trailer shows him talking to his son and he says, "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it." Now I know Matt Damon is only the one speaking the words; he didn't actually write them. Since I am too lazy to research the actual author, lets just say that line alone makes me want to see this movie. In reality since it is coming out on Christmas, I will probably see it some time next year via Netflix. But you know, that's OK because it is still a great line.

Empty Nest

The girls have been gone for four days now visiting their dad. They will be gone for another four before I can pick them up on Saturday. It is definitely as different place when they are not here. I think it is safe to say that I am not the only one who misses them.

Cabbie has spent each day camped out on Lexa's bed waiting for her to come home.

And apparently I don't remember a fresh carrot every day.

Questions...

My girls have been asking me questions lately. Not the usual questions like, "Can I have a cookie?" and "Will you buy me this?" No, no those are the easy ones. I have been getting BIG questions. The ones that make you want to put your head down and wish there a was some book you could open up a read a well scripted answer for them.

I was tucking Alexa into bed the other night. I leaned over to give her a good night kiss and she looked up at me with those big honest eyes and asked, "Mommy, what is this God thing all about."

Oh boy. At bed time. Really? I have about 15 things still left to do downstairs before I can go to bed. God? Really? This really isn't a quick bed time conversation, but I did my best. I summed things up in as simplified a manner as possible. Alexa has been testing out her new information. In the middle of dinner two nights later I look over and she has her hands clasped together in front of her. "What are doing?" I asked.

"I am praying," she responded.

"What are you praying about?" I asked.

"I'm praying for God to help all the people to be nice to each other." I told her that was a really good thing to pray for. It has gone on sporadically for the last few weeks. In the middle of various activities you will see Alexa clasp her hands together and pray. Each time I have to suppress a giggle at the abruptness of it all.

In thinking I had done a pretty good job with the whole God explanation, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Until two nights ago at dinner Chloe asked me, "Mommy how can people who are not married have babies?" At this point... I began to pray.

"Well, it takes a man and a woman to have a baby and that can happen when people are not married." Silence... whew... yeah... that will cover it... excellent... or not...

"How? What if it is a boy you don't know?" OK so possibly my first attempt was a little too vague. I added a few more details and (following the advice from all those parenting articles) a few vocabulary terms that would be age appropriate. That seemed to satisfy the questions... for now.

I know more is coming. I struggle, like many parents I am sure, with giving them enough accurate information to answer the questions without exposing them to too much that they aren't ready for. We all want our kids to grow up, just not too fast. And possibly when I have had a chance to script out a really good answer and get plenty of sleep first.

The Christmas Wait

This is my first Christmas without the girls. Up until this year they have spent the last three Thanksgivings with their dad and Christmas with me. This year we switched that. The girls will be home on the 29th for us to have our Christmas together. So right now our Christmas tree looks like this...

and has since Christmas Eve. Santa has come and I promised the girls that I would wait until they came home to open anything. It has been a little odd to say the least. They will, however, be home soon and we will have our Christmas together.

Along this theme I found it really cute that Chloe came home from school on Wednesday having written this poem about our Christmas tree.

She is right. It has about another week and the tree will be out to the curb for the truck to come pick it up. Destined to become wood chips.

One of Those days

Today went a little something like this:

1. Arrive at work
2. Get call that child is sick
3. Leave work to go get child
4. In work parking lot notice rear tire on car is nearly flat
5. Go pick up child #2
6. Stop to inflate tire
7. Air machine out of order
8. Arrive to pick up child #1 at school
9. Stop and successfully inflate tire
10. Get child to doctor's
11. Another bladder infection
12. Go to pharmacy
13. Pharmacy out of medicine
14. Go to another pharmacy
15. Get home and give child medicine
16. While helping child number one with medicine and comfort...
17. Second child draws I love Mommy "tattoos" on her leg with marker
18. Child #2 dumps Elmers Glue all over floor
19. And tries to "mop it up" with water and paper towels
20. Child #2 then waters plants in the office and half of office floor while mommy is cleaning up glue mess

Mondays. Sheesh.

Solo

The girls are away to visit their dad for a while this vacation. I will not get to see them for five solid days. I have never gone this long without them. It was definitely rough to say good bye. I still can’t think about it a lot because, quite frankly, it hurts too much. I have a list of things to do while they are gone. Partially to keep my mind off of it and partially because I can’t easily do some of these things while they are here. I have gotten a fair amount of things done between yesterday and today. Both days have been sunny so I got some of the flower gardens weeded and seeded. I mowed the lawn for the first time this year. I managed to flick gasoline all over my right arm while filling it and it took me about 10 pulls just to get the thing started. Both of which reminded me how much I hate mowing the lawn. Never the less it is done.

I rearranged the office furniture which I had been meaning to do for some time. I like it a lot better.

Although I now know I have an electrical outlet that no longer works in there and a rather unsettling gap between the wall and ceiling. Both things I was happier not knowing.

I also got around to cleaning out the kid’s dressers to remove all the clothes that no longer fit them. I found all of these socks no longer have a mates.

How is that possible? I buy them socks all the time, and I always buy them in pairs. Why do this many no longer have a match? It is an age old mystery I know but I still can’t figure out where they go exactly.

I went grocery shopping today. The most notable thing about that was that, without the kids here to buy for, I am a bit lost as to what to buy. It was the strangest thing. I went to get some things that I want to eat for the next few days and honestly I think I have forgotten what exactly I like to eat. Which is probably one of the most bizarre statements, but it is true. I found myself wandering around thinking what do I eat? It is a strange thing to go from cooking for kids to just yourself.

I will leave you this little teaser… tomorrow… I clean the basement.

Four Cards and Some Wheat Thins

There are times in my life when I desperately wish someone else could share a moment with me. It usually occurs when the kids say or do something and it either cracks me up or makes me cry. Today there are two stories of the more warm fuzzy and humorous variety. Because, although I began this blog journey to open myself up to the world, I have the belief that the world really doesn't need to know what a sobbing wacko I can be sometimes.

Yesterday I picked Alexa up from daycare and we were heading to Chloe's school to pick her up. It was a little after 4 o'clock and true to form she mentioned that she was hungry. I happened to have a bag of Wheat Thins left over from my lunch and I asked her if she wanted some. She said she did so I handed them back. At this point I should mention that I feel I often tempt fate with the amount of my driving time I spend handing food and drinks back to my kids. My car could feed an impoverished family for the better part of a week with all the crackers and Cheerios on the floor. Occasionally I bring the dog somewhere just so he can clean it up. So it is not an unusual occurrence for her to snack on our 30 minute drive home. After a while she said she was done and handed the bag back to me. After a bit I began to realize that with all my nerves from earlier in the day I hadn't eaten much and reached into the bag to munch a few crackers myself. At that point I noticed something felt odd about the crackers. So I inquired to Alexa about what had happened to the crackers. She responded, ever so perkily, "Oh I licked the salt off them. It tasted yummy." Needless to say I waited till dinner to eat.

Today I picked Chloe up at after school where she had been making cards for all occasions. So here you go some warm fuzzies...

For Mommy...

For Alexa...

(Look she told her sister she loves her, I knew it! Proof!)

For Cabbie...

Thats so sweet because half the time I think she hates him!

And my personal favorite for me (again)...

(I think my hair looks particularly nice in this one)

Can you read it? It says, "I love you on this day." You know as opposed to those times when I make her do horrid things like clean her room and put her clothes in the hamper.

Thanks kiddo I really did need to hear that!

Distractions

There are four times a year when my stress level reaches a higher state than it normally is. It is shocking to imagine since I am normally juggling about twelve plates in the air just to survive, but there are times when it is worse. Next week Friday is the close of the marking period. That means a lot of extra work to average grades and fill out report cards. I brought home a lot of grading this weekend to make sure that I have as much graded ahead of time as possible to try to make the process as smooth as possible.

It gets a little tricky to balance the whole parenting/ work thing though. That led me to make an investment. Call it a peace and quite investment. It has worked well. I was able to grade an entire pile of writing journals. The trick? Two buckets of stickers.

Look at those faces. Totally fixated on creating. As long as you don't mind your entire kitchen table being buried in sticker backing your guaranteed a chunk of time.

October

I use to really miss fall when I lived in New Mexico. I use to find myself moderately depressed. My mind needed that season change. The crisp nights and falling leaves. For my own personal reasons October has become symbolic for me. I mark it and reflect. I was asked today if I was running the Green Mountain Marathon this weekend. I wont be. I made my peace with that a few months ago when it become obvious to me that I just wouldn't get the training in.


I have run that race for the last two years. I does make me a little sad not to run it this year. However that race had a bigger purpose for me than just finishing a marathon. I watched that race run three years ago. At the time I watched it I wondered if I would ever get to run one again. That day was part of the longest and most painful 24 hours in my life. I ran the race the following year as proof to myself that I could face it. So that I wouldn't avoid events or places because of a negative connection. As a result I have come to love that race with its remote roads, beautiful lake views, and even made peace with the head winds.


Here are my October girls pictured here from three years ago.

I love this picture. It is my marker for how far we have come together. It is good for me to remember that because sometimes... sometimes there are head winds.

While I Made Dinner

It is amazing what can happen while I attempt to make dinner. See this cute kid with the oh so cute remote controlled dinosaur?

Well, it actually isn't so cute while it is whizzing around your feet while you are cooking.

You may have noted they are now located in the living room. Really, it was for every one's safety.

And this?

This is Alexa getting into the drawer of cling on window stickers with holiday themes someone gave them. We are now simultaneously decorated for Halloween, Christmas, winter, Easter, and Valentines Day all at once. Which is probably a good thing because I usually can't be bothered to summon the energy to decorate more than once a year anyhow. So we might as well hit them all at once.

Single Parenting

Having started this blog it has made me curious about what other people write in theirs. So from time to time I do a little searching on the topics that I write to see what other people are writing. Last night I read about the topic of single parenting. While I don't really like that label and try not to connect myself. However, I have become rather attached to the song by Clem Snide lately with the line, "When we become what we're running from." So in an effort to be more accepting of myself- it is what I am. I read quite a few blogs on the topic. Some people came to this life style by choice, some as a result of death, but most were similar to me- divorce.

I think the similarity in every ones was about how hard it is and how tired you get. I was thinking about that this morning while I ran a 6 with the girls. There is this hill along the route for 6. The funny thing about this hill is that I have run it hundreds of times alone and never gave it much thought. But when I run it with pushing them in the jogger it is a beast. I am breathing hard and my pulse rate is really high. I dread it coming and feel weak when it is over. I think that is what being a single parent is like for me. Everything that you don't even give a second thought to doing by yourself becomes five times harder.

• grocery shopping


• running out to grab milk/bread


• getting to work (that is a three hours just to get everyone up, dressed, and dropped off)


• mowing the lawn


• shoveling the drive


• dropping the car off for repairs (that was this week, we walked the mile and a half home and back)


• dating (we won't even go there)


• clothes shopping (can't remember the last time I tried anything on before buying it)


• house cleaning (it never ends!)


• laundry (I think it multiplies)


• having to go to the bathroom while your out some where (drag them in too)


• using the computer (Alexa on my lap as we speak)

I could keep going but you get the point. You get use to it. You plan. You pack. You organize and accept that it will be like this for a while. The good out weighs the tough. The laughs out weigh the tantrums (thank goodness) and you learn. As they get older it is getting easier. In another ten years they can stay home while I run and do a quick errand.

Just to prove my point here they are swinging all by themselves yesterday while I cook dinner. That was not the case last year. I already look at that development with a little sadness.

The Many Faces of Friday

So here we have me on the first Friday of my first week of vacation. I thought I would feel more rested. I really did. Given the old phrase a picture is worth a thousand words I will show you some pictures and try to limit my words. I will begin by noting my day started with an 8 AM call that dinner with daddy was canceled for tonight. So my run solo was not to be, and as things began to unfold so was any run. Because people, sometimes the mom thing can take it out of you.

Event number one: the painters were back today to finish the back. They have been a little spotty as of late. I can never really get the schedule down. So yep they were knocking at the door early this morning. I was still in my jammies. Sigh. However this is the finished back! Yah Hoo! That means I can do the deck myself (note all of my friends are now about to become instantly unavailable. You know the ones who said sure we could help you paint the deck. Yeah you know who you are...) So this is all very exciting and hopefully soon I can move all the deck furniture out of the shed and on the deck. It is all still piled in there from the winter storage and if I crack my head on the table leg one more time trying to get the lawn mower out. I am afraid I will have done permanent damage.

Event number two. Chloe was too big for her old bike. So she picked out this.

It involved these. Sigh.

And me trying to put on the training wheels which I never could get on tight. So I decided to work with her on riding without. Sigh. If you know Chloe you already know about the screams, refusals, and dramatics that went along with that little endeavor. I however stuffed her on (literally picked her up and sat her on) and sent her around the path at the park three times. By the end she was giggling. I told her we would practice every day, and she would get it. Just like last summer when I taught her how to pump a swing, and she screamed that I was trying to kill her. She was going to fall and die and I was horribly mean. And then learned to do it and now is swinging away. Really people you have no idea. All this should explain why there is no picture of the child on the bike. Because after the struggle I was worn out.

It ended as Friday's do around here with movie night. The only night my children can watch TV. They each pick a video and I pop popcorn. We do it up. See, it all ended well.

Tomorrow we bike again. I shall begin my meditation now. I should also mention Marty (dear, sweet woman that she is) volunteered to work on bike riding with Chloe. Others? Yeah, just what I thought.

My cake decorators

An interesting thing about being a single mom is your birthday. Now really I have no desire to make a big deal about my birthday. My girls however are old enough and smart enough to realize I have a birthday. So it has become a small tradition for me to let them decorate my birthday cake. Which means, of course, that I have to bake my own cake. I will admit the first time I did that it had a rather... shall we say...pathetic air to it? At any rate this is the third year that I have done it so it gets less pathetic each time you do it, or at least that is what I keep telling myself. So, yesterday I let my cake decorators get to work. My birthday was actually Friday, but they were off with their dad for the weekend visiting Grammie so this was the best we could do. What follows is my cake. They decided I needed pink and purple icing and a cat. I did assist with the cat drawing and some lettering, but the rest is all them. Please note the candles too. There are 24 because that is what comes in the pack and that let off enough heat and smoke. Can you imagine what they would have done with 37?

The early empty nest

Divorce is one of those wacky things that no one plans for, but lots of people have it happen to them. If you flashed my life back three years ago I never would have pictured that this is where I would be. The are things that I am eternally grateful for about no longer being in my marriage. However to write them here would serve no purpose other than taking shots at my ex-husband. And to be quite honest I am as much to blame for two completely different people ending up in a marriage that they should not have been in as he is. But I turn 37 today and the list of things that I have learned about myself has grown quite long. There is comfort in that.

To be divorced and raise children is a journey that no book can prepare you for. It means you have chunks of your children's lives that you don't get to experience. It is what I picture people feeling when their children go off to college and they no longer have a clear picture of what they are doing or where they are. Some nights you soak in the silence and some nights it hurts too much to look at their empty beds.

I don't know how other people deal with the pain of not being able to re tuck in some one's blankets and kiss them on the forehead. But for me, whenever anyone wants to know, "How do you train for a marathon?" That's how. Sometimes when you run far enough, you can sleep at night.